Long Time Coming

Father forgive me, for I have sinned, it's been 2 months and a day since my last post....

Yeah, long time. I guess you all thought I was gone, and I guess I was. I was a-wandering out there looking for my soul, direction, and some other stuff. I buried myself in my music lessons trying to get away from the stuff we see. The PTSD had built up and I knew it was eating me up. I had nothing to write that was good or worthwhile. It was a dark place.
 No, I am not "back" and "healed". I am still working on that. Music therapy is helping (anybody wanna donate ticket money?) but I had my first really positive experience in a long time this week and I thought I might share it. It occurred to me that when we suffer a loss, a patient that does not survive, I mourn my shortcomings for anywhere between a day and a week, depending on the circumstances. But if we 'suffer' a win, I generally don't celebrate it for more than a day. That's not right.
 Several days ago we had a 'nasty'. 2 car MVA head-on, 110 MPH closing speed. As luck would have it, I wasa the 2nd EMS person in the car of the serious patient (the other driver RMA'd if you can believe). I took the head of a patient with a serious head injury, depressed skull fracture, snoring respirations, multiple lacerations, and very combative. Extrication was around 10 minutes (great crew), but we had difficulty getting her out because she was flailing. The flight medic was on scene in less than 10 minutes from dispatch of the original call because the were returning form a previous call. The first Trooper on scene was also a Paramedic and an RN. He got the main torso and assessment, while I took the head and did observations and support. Lots of blood in the car but no serious bleeds were evident when I got there.
 Once set up in the rig, we had 4 medics and 2 EMT's working the patient. It was like poetry even though none of us had much, if any time, working together before. We all held the same thought "This patient probably won't survive the flight to the trauma center".
 With all the critical calls I've done, this was my first 'squirter'. When the pressure in her head injury finally overcame the ability of the skin to hold it back, she blew a stream across the rig and shot a medic in the belly. I surprised myself because it didn't really mean much, I just moved my index finger over the hole and closed it off. We dressed it up when time allowed a few minutes later. It appeared she had a deviated trac and one medic placed his fingers to hold the trac in line while the other slid the tube in. Good hit on the first try. Good breath sounds, bilateral. The monitor showed good vitals considering and we all took 3 seconds to celebrate, as we kept working.
 This was also my first hot load. Normally the flight protocols call for shutting the bird down during the load operation, but in tis case the flight medic called the pilot while enroute and told him to 'wind it up and be ready to go" (this saves 2-4 minutes). So we loaded hot and had to maneuver the patient right past the tail rotor. Not a comfortable situation for me, having the handle end of the stretcher, but what the hell.
Off they went, and I collapsed on the tailboard of my rig, while the other guys started clean up. I was shot and began to sink into that depression that comes with the realization that even with all the effort and care, she probably won't make it.
 18 hours later there was a blurb on the local paper's web site about the accident and that she was in the trauma center in 'serious' condition". I was walking on air, she survived the night. "WOO HOO!" I thought. Then as the hours and days passed, pieces of information began to trickle back, either through medical channels, or the small town network, that she was conscious, knew her name, could wiggle her toes, etc. This gal is gonna make it, I thought. FINALLY, I get to work a bad one that doesn't turn out bad! This is, I kid you not, a first for me.
 Now I know, it's not about me, and the calls and jobs I am dealt, it is about the patient. However, I have gotten the feeling that if you are a patient in critical condition, you really don't want me showing up. It's my personal perception of a back cloud. I have never had a CPR save. I have been on some calls where I didn't expect the patient to survive and they made a full recovery, but this is the first time I have had a critical trauma patient survive. It's a very good feeling.
 About 0300 this morning we had an automatic alarm call that turned out to be false, but while on scene I ran into a friend of the family of this gal who gave me a update about the surgeries that had taken place in the past 12 hours. She said that the mother of this gal wanted to find out who had taken care of the girl's head during the incident, because the Doctors told her that this was probably what saved her life.
 I don't know what the physiology of the trauma is for this gal, but I have to tell you that as far as C-spine precautions go, this was probably the worst job I have ever done at stabilization. She was flailing and thrashing all over. I actually had my left arm across her upper chest, and had wrapped her hair in the fingers of my right hand the try and control the head. I felt like I was trying to restrain a prisoner. I was not happy with my methods. It was nothing that they ever taught me in class, and I don't recommend it. The mental picture of doing this had me awake that entire night, I felt like a failure at treating this patient in a controlled and proper way. Hindsight tells me that I got lucky. Next time I have to do better.
 At any rate, it's nice to have a winner. From what I can see now, it appears this gal will recover with most functions in tact.  I don;'t think she'll be the same as she was before the accident, but she will be alive and functional, and that's a lot more than any of us who were there could expect. I'll take that as a "win".
 With all the ugly and negative stuff I have posted here, I thought it was only fair to take an evening out and share this piece of positive news. Probably there is nobody out there reading this anymore, but on the chance that one or two of you have stuck around, I put this up for you.
UU

Still wandering

Well, I can see I've lost most of my readers and I can't say as I blame them. Not much happening here. I have been farily well wrapped up in getting through each day lately. I think the storm at the end of August was pretty much the straw on the camel's back. It snapped, as did I.
 Anything doing with the Fire and EMS service became a chore, rather than the calling it was prior to the big storm. Call it sensory and emotional overload, if you are looking for a diagnosis.
 I talked it through with the Lonely EMT last time we met, and now I'm just trying to work it out in my head.
 The last month I have buried my brain in music to try and get away. As mentioned in an earlier post, I took my sister up to Levon Helms place for a ramble and we had one of those life long experiences. Levon, Larry Campbell, and Amy Helm along with the rest of the band were just outstanding. I needed that more than I realized and will treasure it for a very long time. Folks come from all over for the Ramble, there was a couple from England on line in front of us, and others from down south and up north. The funny thing for me was with all these people traveling hundreds or thousands of miles to be in this small group of a hundred folks, I ran into a lot of old friends like the Undersherriff, the father of one of my Scouts from years ago, and a neighbor or two. My sister knew a lot of of folks there, including Amy Helm, who was a student in my Sister's school when she was teaching. Amy (Levon's daughter) is around 30ish now. So for me, it was the neighborhood party that Levon had envisioned. We were, in fact, in the studio that is part of his home, and it felt really good. The music that night was just 'cooking' in spite of the cold Levon was fighting off. He didn't sing much, but it didn't hold back on how much fun we had. OH, I will carry that for a very long time.
 But I've been off doing the graveyard shift at the paying job this week which is like being sent to Siberia. You don't have any contact with the day to day operations. Actually it's kind of nice. I had a good crew that worked on their own and I didn't have much to do. I even brought my banjo in one night to get in some practice time during the meal break. The hours did kick my ass with trying to adjust sleep and meals, but the week is over now and next week I'll be back to normal(?) hours. It gave me a break from the Department also, which was welcome. Any spare time I had was buried in practicing my banjo which I also needed.
 Today, when I got up around 1400 I was greeted by some emails with all the registration stuff for my complimentary admission to FDIC in 2012. I had been putting the Fire Service so far out of my head that I forgot Bobby Halton had given me this several months ago.
 I'm sitting on the fence as to whether I can come up with the money to pay for the trip, and frankly if it is even something I want to put the time into. I now realize how burned up I am. A year ago, hell even 4 months ago, I was fired up about FDIC. Now that I have a ticket in my hand I am having a hard time getting up the enthusiasm to even make arrangements.
 I have a lot more thinking to do.
UU

Stuff

 So in my last post you learned that I am 'dealing with issues' and looking for answers. I forgot to mention that I had a nice meet up with the Lonely EMT last weekend. She had a local 'errand' and we managed to hook up and spend some time sitting in the ready room at one of my stations and shooting the breeze. The conversation was good for me, and I think it helped her too. Similar Departments, with similar problems makes for an active exchange of ideas (or gripes). The conversation was so good that it got me to bed late, and her on the road home very late, but it all ended up well. I wound up running calls almost that entire night, EXCEPT for the time we were chatting. This I found to be fortuitous in no small manner. We ran 4 jobs that night which would normally bring one or perhaps two. It ended with a working cardiac arrest at 0530 before I went of to the paying job.
 But I digress from the original thought for this post. I have been 'jonsing' for a lesson from my banjo instructor. See now this is the problem when your instructor is a world renowned banjo player. Right now, my beloved teacher is driving to Nashville to spend the entire week at the IBMA Awards. This is cool and I accept that. But last week he was in France doing a workshop for several days, and before that he was in Owensboro Kentucky at Bill Monroe's 100th Birthday celebration.
 Now I need a lesson to move my obviously gifted skills onto the next level and my instructor is not available. I don't see how I can progress at this rate. I understand how the guy is popular and a fixture in the art form and has introduced influences into the genre that will continue through the next century, but sheesh, we are talking about my lessons here!
 I have been reduced to going onto You-Tube and looking for new things I can try. While knowledge is power, I am concerned that what I might pick up in the uncontrolled atmosphere of you-tube could contaminate what my BLF has taught me thus far.
 So I guess I'm sharing two things here. First if you are going to learn to play an instrument, be sure that your instructor lets you know when (or IF) he or she is available. Second, if you do get a world class instructor, be sure to check your patience at the door and take the lessons whenever they come and be happy about it.
 Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go practice those rolls over and over and over and over again. Then I will do them so more.
UU

Healing

 The last month has been rough. Everybody is trying to recover form the storm, and as I've mentioned before, some never will. Last night I attended a party thrown by one of the small towns up the line for everybody who helped them during and after the storms, this included Fire, EMS, Police, Rangers, and civilians who stepped up to do the job. It was a nice evening to sit, chat and share a soft drink or a beer with the folks we work with all the time, except this time, there were no bodies involved. Lots of laughs, hugs, and a few tears of joy or relief.
 As for me, I've been trying to sort it all out and figure out where I fit in, or not, and where I should go from here. Lately, I have been coming home from work and throwing myself into my banjo. Not that I think all this practice is going to make me any better (it can't get worse), but because I find solace in just being with the instrument and making some sounds that please, sooth, and take me away from my thoughts. Plus, I can tell my teacher that I am "practicing EVERY night".
 But the truth is I have been leaning on music more and more lately for an outlet. I can't play worth a damn, but I am really beginning to get lost in the good music of others, those with a true gift and love of the art form.
 I am sure I have mentioned in an earlier post that I live in an area that is nearly unique for it's talent density. My banjo instructor is known and in demand worldwide and he live a couple of miles up the road. I could drop names here, but that's not the point. The point is I take for granted what I have available in my neighborhood.
 Well, lately I have stopped taking it for granted and started to seek out opportunities for good music and the experience that comes with it. Levon Helm lives in the next town over and has a party at his house every week or two. People come from all over to enjoy his music at the Ramble. You may know of Levon from his years in The Band, but since he nearly lost his voice, he has become a different man, at least in my eyes. In addition to his great music, Levon has always been a solid man and member of his community. Unpretentious, friendly, sincere, and a genuine person of value.
 I have known about Levon, his Ramble, and his contributions to the community for several years now. I have had the opportunity to attend the Ramble in the past and let it slide. I am thinking now it was pretty foolish on my part. I gratefully accepted a pair of tickets to his ramble next week.
 Here is a video Levon did a while back. While it might seem like any other video to promote one's music, let me point out that the farm used in this video is in fact a genuine farm located in my town, and the "Mr. Gill" who appears int eh video is in fact Jack Gill who is one of the largest corn producers in out state. A fine man, war hero, and upstanding member of the community in his own right.  The stories he relates are genuine, he is not an actor. The first song is shot, I believe in Levon's studio, the second one is shot at Snyder's Tavern, which is a place most folks would never stop at if they were driving by. It is located 'off the beaten path' and frequented by locals and sportsmen. These are real people and real places and real feelings expressed in this video. So although it is over 20 minutes, I invite you to enter with an open mind, perhaps an open beer and let yourself be transcended.

Only Halfway Home

Levon Helm | Myspace Music Videos
 So I write here about a nationally known person, but for me, he's a local dude that is continuously a man who is doing the right thing. I judge a man by what he does, not what his publicist says. I don't think Levon has a publicist, but I can tell you he is one hard working son of a gun, just look at his schedule. The funny thing is, sucessful as this guy is in his 'second career', he never turns anyone down. He has played at high school fundraisers, weddings, and family parties. He seems to play for love and for that I identify with him.
 Tell you a quick story about how I got these tickets: My Chief does all the landscaping work for Levon and he approached him about some tickets. As the Chief tells it: He said to Levon "I have this guy in my Department who is a big fan and he is always there for me when I need him"... Levon interrupted and said 'Sounds like my kind of guy, how many tickets would he like?'
I guess burying myself in music is better than a lot of alternatives. Right now I can't seem to get enough.
UU

THE BEGINNING OF THE END PERHAPS

 I've had a lot of bad jobs over the years that make me reconsider what I am doing here in the Fire and EMS Service. As I tell the newbies 'Some folks are just not cut out for this stuff, there is no shame in admitting that when it becomes apparent to you.' Perhaps it's time to listen to myself.
 This last storm took more out of me than I think I had to give. The total devastation of property, livelihoods, and infrastructure in every direction around us was more than I could handle.
 In previous posts I showed some of the videos to give an idea of what was going on, but the truth is, they don't even begin to give you an idea. Two weeks on and many folks are still getting power back and re-connecting with the world. I don't care what the media, the politicians, or the utilities might tell you, the fact is a lot of folks have been left on their own because they are cut off from any real hope. Fortunately, those folks are like most self-reliant Americans and have done what needs to be done to care for themselves and their neighbors up to and including rebuilding roads on their own.
 Last night was the first real night of actual rest I've had in 2 weeks. No I have not been out playing hero every day and wearing myself out. I have been trying to balance home, work, and Fire Service responsibilities without a hell of a lot of luck. Every night I lay in bed conflicted by what I WANT to do (be out there helping), and what I have to do (go to work and be a good boy). I work in a small city that had no real impact from the storm, but I live in the hills. The folks at work have no idea how serious the conditions are just 30 miles west of town, and they really don't care. Last night I took my wife out (who is depressed and exhausted from all the family stuff she has been juggling) and we had a couple of beers, listened to some good bluegrass, and enjoyed the company of good friends and family. We returned home relaxed and I managed to get in 10 hours of sleep. I don't do that unless I am really sick or really drunk, neither of which applied here. I had finally relaxed for just a few hours.
 I came down to my desk and thought I could finally get a good blog post off, but every time I began, I just couldn't start thinking about this stuff. We are two weeks along and many of the critical repair project are pretty much where they were two weeks ago. The rain we had on Wednesday erased much if not all of the work that had been done. You might have heard about the flooding in PA and Binghamton, NY, but not a word was said about how it delivered a second blow in our area. Mentally, this was like being kicked in the head while already laying on the ground after a heavy beating for us.
 Take a look at this Associated Press video which was shot on Monday night of the hurricane 8/29 I think, just a few hours after the water started dropping. These guys were tired, but had no idea it had only just begun and would go on for many days after and they would start all over in ten days. Yes, all the evacuation sirens in this area were sounding off at 0600 on Wednesday 9/7/11 all over again and the evacuations began again as water flowed down Main St. in 4 different mountain villages.

I think I am done handing this stuff. I got into this, and stayed in it, to help people, my neighbors, but I have learned that we are constricted by our leadership. In my county this is a severe handicap. Although our leadership is not corrupt as far as I know, they are simply bureaucrats whose first order of business is to keep their jobs. They showed no courage or leadership in my eyes during this event. In fact, my personal opinion is that they willfully abdicated responsibility and virtually abandoned their posts. Of course, their press releases, when they did come out, made them sound like miracle workers. It was all bull. The people and the small towns they were supposed to help,  were on their own. The County leadership was, and remains, a house of cards. Witness this:

The reporter in this video rode her mountain bike up the road the day it was opened for foot traffic, three days after the storm came through.
 I was speaking with a Chief in a mutual aid department where I went out to help last weekend and he said "Yeah it was a bit hairy that night and I was gonna give you a call along with some of your other guys to see if you could come out to help with the Swiftwater work when it dawned on me that we were cut off and you couldn't get here anyway." He didn't really know how many rescues they did through the first rain period, just going from job to job like they were cellar pumps.
 I'm disgusted and burned out. I am re-evaluating what I am doing with my life. I don't think I can deal with the bullshit anymore. It took me all day just to get up the energy to write this post, and the only thing that is getting me through it is having some good bluegrass playing in the background to keep my conscious mind occupied.
 I've suspected for a while that I may have some of that PTSD stuff that they say builds up over time. I think this last event just pushed me over the edge. I have all the symptoms, short temper, mood swings, inability to concentrate, depression, the need to be alone, etc.. It's possible that I need a change of scenery. It's also possible that I'm done.
UU

I've been humbled

Mac Davis used to sing a song about how Hard it Is to Be Humble. I suppose we have all suffered from that condition at some point in our lives, and I have had my moments also. However, most of the time I would consider myself as a normal competent person and have gotten used to having a certain level of confidence in just about everything I do. Not cocky mind you, just confident.
 However, now that I have re-ignited my attempt to learn to play the 5 String Banjo, I have reached new lows in self confidence and esteem. Much like my first three attempts over the past 30 years, this one is just as rough. But this time I have a different attitude. I intend to stick with it and even if I come out only a little better than when I started, I will continue to work on it. This time I am not in a rush, and I accept that I have no skills going in with little hope of gaining any.
 It's gonna be different this time. For one thing, the frustration of tuning the damned thing is gone, thanks to the Intellitouch tuner life is much easier. I love this thing because I used to spend an hour trying to work with a pitch pipe to get it tuned, by the time I began the actual practice, I was frazzled. Now, tuning is a joy. I also remember the pain on the finger tips of my left hand in my attempts of the past, but this time I have none of that. It's probably due to my job in past years that always had me with a hundred micro-cuts on my finger tips making them quite sensitive, and the fine banjo strings would cut right through. Lastly, my attitude is different. It used to be that when my fingers didn't follow my desires I would get frustrated right away and push harder, getting even more frustrated. Now when I miss, I just do it again, and again, and again until it sounds better. (I'll let you know if it ever sounds better.)
 It also helps that we don't live in an apartment like we did for my early attempts. My wife quickly tires of my bumbling and has little sympathy. Now I can practice downstairs and not bother anyone. The dog doesn't much care for the banjo and always heads upstairs to be with Momma when I begin to 'play'.
 In all my life, the banjo is the only thing that I have tried and not be able to attain some level of competency with. It has squashed me at every attempt. I have been beaten and now think I understand the task, and will approach this on the banjo's terms instead of my own.
 If I were good at metaphors, I would say there is a life lesson buried in here somewhere. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.
 For now, I'm just gonna stick with a minimum of a half hour practice session everyday and see where it takes me. The goal now is to practice well, and I'm not looking any further.
 Let's see if this approach works.
Be Safe, Be Sharp,
UU

My BLF

 When I wrote the post about Grey Fox I mentioned that I had spent some time with my Bluegrass Legend Friend (heretofore referred to as my 'BLF') and that I had a funny story to tell. Well, let me work my way up to it.
 First, by way of background, let me explain that we live in a area that is just loaded with celebrities, mostly in the music field, but also from the stage, movies and television. It is not what you might expect. All of these folks come here to be away from the limelight and get some private quiet time. They are very low-key. You don't see any kind of celebrity galas or things like that. They buy a small (or large) house way back off the road and keep to themselves. Some build recording, writing, art, or dance studios to allow them to work in peace. As the years go by and they settle in and realize that they will be left alone, many of them are out and about in the community and are treated as normal neighbors. There are 6 world class recording studios within a 15 minute drive of my house and you would not recognize ANY of them if you drove up to them.
 My daughter works in a local place that designs and builds custom kitchens and bathrooms and she has a lot of these folks as clients. It's no big deal and most times she doesn't even realize that she is dealing with somebody special until it comes time to sign some papers.
 So it came as little surprise to me that when my daughter was to be married, they had selected a band of local guys which included my BLF. When I found out he would be playing, I literally teared up because I had no idea he played with these guys and at the time had little idea how much he had worked with my son-in-law. Turns out, they were good friends. At the wedding I was a google eyed idiot for a good part of it. I finally went up to my BLF and thanked him repeatedly for playing, told him how I had followed his career over the last 40 years, and thanked him for his lifelong contributions to the art. He blushed and in turn thanked ME for the privilege of playing at this particular wedding. He talked about how he watched the kids grow up and was so pleased to be able to share the day with us. Imagine that.
 Still, as humble and nice as this guy was, I continued to be awestruck. I kept thinking about all the places this guy has played around the world and all the names he has played with, not to mention his changes to the way bluegrass is played and enjoyed. I did not want to push my luck and be a pest, but I did want to learn more about this man. I waited a year, until Grey Fox came around and stopped by his campsite to offer a hand with chores, or a ride to dinner, or whatever else excuse I could think of that sounded plausable. I left it at that.
 This year I dropped him a note on face book and offered to lend him a hand setting up his camp. When I saw him on the first night he clearly remembered my name and face. he smiled, stuck out his hand an thanked me for offering to help. 'Wow" I thought, "He actually read my Facebook note and made the connection!" At this point I realized that his polite and gentle, friendly manner were not 'his public persona', it was the way he truly is. I began to relax and joke around with him a bit.
 Briefly, my BLF started his career in the early 60's in the northeast US. He made some fortuitous connections in Nashville and wound up playing with Bill Monroe for a while. I mention this name only because there are so many folks that played with Bill Monroe, that it doesn't help you focus in on who my friend is. Bill had a lot of good players circle through his band, but he didn't really pay them enough to live on, and many moved on to their own careers or started their own bands. Ricky Skaggs is an example of one of those folks. After the Bluegrass Boys, my buddy played with a lot of folks, did several books and records, played in MANY studio recording sessions, and started a business making a banjo device of his own design, which is how he supports himself today, along with doing banjo camps and clinics around the world, playing gigs with a local band, and the occasional appearance with some of the big commercial names.
 I told you all that so I could tell you this:
 I am not a name dropper that thinks association with famous people somehow makes me an important person. By now you have realized that I am trying hard to keep my BLF's privacy intact. Consequently, the fact that I am in the company of somebody well known has not really been something I have thought about in relation to the people around us who do not know this particular person.
 So we were up at the festival and had finished getting my BLF's camp squared away and decided to go get some pizza before the stand closed. We were seated at a picnic table with some folks we didn't know, it was my BLF, my daughter, and myself. I asked him about an album cover he had been tagged in on Facebook. I confessed that I had never heard of the band, nor did I see his face on the cover anywhere. When I mentioned 'album cover' I noticed that the folks at the other end of the table turned to look at us. My BLF started to laugh. "Well", he said, "That was in the late 60's or early 70's and I did a lot of studio work in those days. Some years I would have tracks on over a hundred different albums. I seldom knew or remembered who I was laying down the tracks for. I went in, got the music, listened to the tapes, and played my parts. Then I collected my check and left, usually forgetting about it before I got out the door." Now I noticed that the folks at the end of the table are staring at my friend and trying to figure out 'who the hell is this guy!?' He's kind of dirty and sweaty like the rest of us, wearing a worn out t-shirt and old jeans. It would be very hard to match him up to one of his OWN album covers, and in this environment, he was almost invisible.
 We finished our pizza, got up and left. The folks that were still at the table had to be racking their brains, but I doubt they ever figured it out, unless they made the connection when they saw him playing at the various venues in the coming days, still in a worn out t-shirt and jeans. I have to admit, it was great fun for me.
 Since the festival has ended I have gotten to see my BLF once again and we've had a nice chat about non-music related stuff. The repairs to his ancestral home in another state, which he now owns and other issues in life. I am beginning to lose my awestruck state of mind and sense that I have found a fine gentleman to be friends with. Each time I see him now, he seems genuinely happy to see me.
Another one of life's blessings that has dropped into my lap.
 Be Safe, Be Sharp,
UU

There's a bend coming up in the Road, I can FEEL it.

Perhaps it might be a fork, but I feel that change is about to enter my life and I'll have some small choices to make.
 Over my half century plus on this earth I have been able to do quite a few different things because I develop an interest, do some study, and apply myself. Somewhere between 5 and 10 years into a particular 'hobby' I get bored or have learned everything I want to about the subject and I 'find' something else.
 I sense that time is coming around again. I know the signs. This time it could cover several activities that I am currently involved in.
 First, this blog has seen it's readership and posting activity drop in the past few months. I realize that reading about my personal life is not very fulfilling for the readers and I have less and less Fire & EMS stuff to post. I can see I am losing the fire in my belly on that score. There have been a lot of frustrations involved in my participation lately and my activity is dropping off. It may be time to consider how much of my time and yours is being consumed by this blog and wonder if there isn't something better we both could be doing. I do not make any sort of contribution to the community that would be missed.
 Second, my paying job has some changes in store. We have a new boss starting in a couple of weeks. You may recall that I put in for that job. However there were some politics at work and the internal candidates never really had a shot at the job from the beginning. They never followed through with the selection plan and hired the outside guy they liked in the first place. I am bummed about that because I was told by a couple of the interviewers that I scored very well and would have been their choice. To make it a bitter pill, we are hearing lots of stories about the guy they hired from some who have worked with him previously that he is a hardass and does some irrational things to piss people off. He is all about power, they say. This ain't gonna wash in our environment and will take a lot of work to correct.  Having been in this business for 40 years and having broken in new bosses for 35 years, I don't really have the energy to play games with another jerk. I am hoping the stories are false or biased and the guy turns out to be OK. None the less, I am stressing over how this guy turns out because I am directly in the line of fire. The JOB is going to be demanding a lot more of my time for the next 6-8 months while we learn to work with the FNG.

 Third, and possibly most significant, I have realized that I have spent a long life working hard and spending every free minute volunteering my time in other venues. This has taken me away from wife and kids a bit too much. They have always been supportive of course, but it's time I changed that. I ain't gettin' no younger. My kids are all growed up and I don't have as much opportunity to be with them. I'm thinking it's about time I rearranged my priorities and made it my job to do some fun stuff with them more often, even on a regular basis. This week, with all the stress at work and gross disappointment when I found out that I was screwed over once again and probably for the last opportunity I will have in my career, I looked for some distraction and found it in music. We went out on Wednesday night, met with some old friends and listened to my son-in-law play with a band he frequents. On Thursday night we went 5 minutes up the road to a joint I have been meaning to go to for over 5 years and listened to my Bluegrass Legend friend play with his band. As luck would have it, they were short a fiddle player that night and asked my son-in-law to fill in. It was a double bonus. My wife got introduced my hero again and we had a nice chat during a break discussing upcoming gigs, etc. They're head lining at the end of the month at a new festival and I expect to be there either working or listening.
 I have also gotten my banjo repaired, re-strung, and tuned and have been trying to teach my fingers to behave in preparation for taking my first lesson. Those half hour practice sessions every night are painful, but they take my mind off the days troubles. I can sense this is good for me whether or not I actually learn to play.

 So I can feel a bend in the road coming up and I hope it's not a fork. We'll see what happens.
Be Safe, Be Sharp,
UU

Grey Fox, In a Nutshell

 Well, first I have to apologize for not posting from the festival as I had hoped. The wireless connection did not work for the first day or so and by the time it got fixed, I was into full festival mode and didn't have much time available. I took only a few quick pictures, but this might give you and idea of the site size.

 What you see here is a shot from the main amphitheater looking out over the camping area. That large tent on the right is a shade tent so you can watch the main stage (off to the left) while staying out of the sun. The large tent in the middle is a food concession tent, and beyond is the camping area.
 Here's a shot of the main stage taken in the early morning before anybody is up and about:

Off on the left side you will see a large tent where they feed the staff and the entertainers. The Green Room is also over there on he left.
 First let me start out by saying that on this particular weekend I collected several memories that will last me into the nursing home phase of my life, and I don't say that flippantly, I had a sore jaw from smiling so hard for so long.
 As it goes with these things, it started off slow. At the initial briefing I could see we had an ample staff, many returning from last year and some new faces. Many were from the clinical side of the health care business and I knew that the tent would be well staffed, but I also knew we wouldn't have a lot who would easily go out roaming and looking for problems or patients, which is what I prefer to do. Clinical folks like to stay in the Clinic, EMS folks like to be out on post. My partner from last year was doing an overnight and we wouldn't be working together much this year, so I found a FNG and we walked around as I gave him a tour, explained what to look for (folks doing dumb stuff) and some of the tricks (you can sit in the VIP section while you are walking around) and how to scout for the good parties to return to after the duty period. He learned fast and when my daughter arrived I left him to his own desires. I was looking forward to spending some time with my little girl who was also volunteering this year with the drink stand crew. Since she's been married we haven't had much time together. Little did I know we would wind up just having a blast together.
 Medically speaking we saw just what I had predicted in a prior post. Each night we had one or two hopelessly drunk folks that required some attention because they were puking too much, dehydrated, or unable to ambulate. In one case we arranged a transport for an old gent that was incontinent after ingesting a lot of alcohol and THEN deciding to try some pot after 20 years of abstention.  He did some puking too. OK, a lot of puking, and all that stuff combined with his meds to wreak havoc with his system.
 My turn on the overnight looked to be quiet even though it was Saturday night (the last night to party) We had buttoned up the Medical tent and I was just settled into my chiar to doze when a guy came in all frantic stating that "We CAN'T wake her up, we don't know what's wrong, it looks REALLY BAD!" I poked my head out back and told the boss we had a worker. He came out an asked a few quick questions while I and my partner collected the bags and loaded the golf cart (the preferred mode of transport in dense population areas). The 4 of us got off in the cart and were moving as fast as we could follow directions, part the crowd, and see where we were going. I was riding backwards and was trying to don my gloves as we flew over the hillocks in the hayfield that was now home to about 6,000 people. We arrived and found our patient in a tent which was filled with a full sized air mattress. This was a new sensation for me, like working on a waterbed. The Boss went in first with my partner and realized all at once that a) this patient was critical, b) this patient was a friend of his, and c) we needed ALS right away. He crawled out and gave me the nod as we switched places, he went into ICS mode, calling security to get a rig on the road and giving a quick Sit Rep. My partner and I worked on the basics: Breathing adequate but shallow, pulse 126, b/p of 135/88, posturing, possibly post-dictal, jaw clenched HARD, blood residue on the cheek, possibly bit her tongue, and she had paticial hemorrhaging, which we took to indicate a possible brain bleed. All in all, things didn't look good. We could not get a med list from her drunken husband, but we knew that there was a list somewhere. What made us really concerned was that we were repeatedly assured that she had no been consuming and alcohol or drugs. She was very health conscious and did not drink. It took 2 of us to do a B/P, one to hold the arm straight and the other to take it. Her arms would fold right up when we let them go. ALS arrived, we extracted her on a long board and we loaded quickly.
 Turns out she had hyponatremia (look it up, you should KNOW this) and was in a coma. In her efforts to avoid dehydration, she had hydrated herself right into a seizure and coma. First time I have ever seen that. 48 hours on I got word that she had come out of the coma and was expected to make a full recovery with no neurological deficits.
 After I went 'off duty' at 0700 we were headed back down the hill form breakfast when a call came over the radio for a male, unconscious, at the main gate. We were already mobile, so we took the call. He had had a seizure and was incontinent to bladder and bowel. He was embarrassed and denied any LOC, but the witnesses said that he was out for a full minute. He had a lump on his head where he hit the side mirror on his car (and broke it clean off) but wanted to RMA (AMA). It took us a half hour to convince him to go in, but we finally succeeded,
 All in all a fantastic weekend with wonderful music and people. I got to have dinner one night with a Bluegrass legend (look for a future post on this, funny story) and build on our friendship. I had some priceless time hanging out with my little girl and my son-in-law, and I witnessed some events that I will remember for a long time. As a bonus (as if I needed one), my Bluegrass legend friend has offered to take me on as a personal challenge to teach me how to play the 5 string. He offered me 4 or 5 hours of his time and promises he will have me playing the darned thing before he is done with me. Now I LOVE this man and have listened to his music since I was a kid. There are thousands of people around the world who would give anything to have just one hour with this guy. I fully understand what has been offered me. But on the other hand I realize that after 32 years of varying attempts, I couldn't carry a tune with a wheelbarrow. I told him as much, but he seemed resolved. I also told him that if I were the one to break him and he failed, I would feel terrible. He seems unconcerned and has high hopes. I warned him. My daughter tells me that my son-in-law kind of set this whole thing up because he wants me to play with him. She says I'd be a fool to let it go by. Smart girl. OK, I'll play along. Even if I come out as the same idiot as I went in, I will still have spent a few more hours with someone who changed the course of Bluegrass music and I both admire and am amazed by.
 Here's a shot of Bill giving a workshop on Friday. He does one on Saturday also and a stint on the Master's Stage as well. Bill is around 73 and it still amazes me to see him light up when he sits down and begins to share what he has learned. 

 I returned home from the festival, took a shower and got a 4 hour nap (having only an hour of sleep in the past 36 hours. I was on duty with my Squad on Sunday night and hoped for a light night. The EMS Gods were against me. I went to bed at 2300 for the night and the pager went off at 0000. We had a fire on the mountain that kept us out until 0530. Normally fires are easy duty for EMS, but I was assigned as the EMT to stay with the crew on the fire. We had 800 feet of near vertical climb to get to the seat of the fire. It was so steep that we went up on hands and knees, clawing all the way. You could not stand, nor could you sit. you would either slide or fall down. Three quarters of the way up. when I got to a point that I could keep an ear on the crew, I dug in. Somebody needed to hold onto the hose to keep it from sliding back down the mountain. I dug out a seat belay and settled in for about three hours and helping relief folks climb up the hose line, watching fire progression (below us, above us, and to the west of us).
 When we finished up, I had enough time to grab a shower before heading into the paying job, where by the way, I was a little useless during the day. Somehow I figured out that I had gone 60 something hours with only 5 hours sleep.
 So now you have an idea of why I haven't posted in a week. Aren't you sorry you asked? I should have been working on my pick rolls tonight, but instead I thought I should get this one up for you. Also, for Linda, I got your message and I understand how life changes direction. We'll get it together, just a little further down the road. Right now I just need some recovery time. Oh BOY do I need to recover.
Be Safe, B Sharp,
UU

An Explaination of Sorts

Not that I really owe anybody and explanation, but I thought one was in order because my posting has fallen off as of late. Yeah, I noticed it too.
 I mentioned a couple of posts back that I applied for my Boss's job when he moved on. I confess that I threw my hat in the ring at the last minute for what might be considered some poor reasons. I did not apply at first because the list of requirements included a BA, which I lack and they preferred a Master's Degree, which ain't gonna happen at this stage in my life. What I do have is 38 years experience doing this sort of work. When I found out that 3 others who also lack major parts of the requirements also threw their hats in, I followed suit. At the time, I thought "What the Hell?" I also thought that I wanted to be on the 'inside' of this show, and not on the outside as one of the interview committee, which I had been asked to join.
 I mentioned earlier that I thought they were just giving us the courtesy of an interview and would cast us aside citing the fact that we missed a 'Major Requirement'.  Today, as I write this, I'm not so sure. They flew an independent HR guy halfway across the country to give the first round of interviews as an unbiased pair of ears. That part went as expected, but then they changed the game and we were all interviewed by the internal team which is made up of people we work with. These interviews were a lot rougher because these people know us and we can't 'skate the truth', we have to be honest, and in some cases explain decisions we have made in the past that didn't work out so well.
 They have a tough job making a selection, and the final two or three will board a plane and go across the country to interview with the Division President. Did I mention that this is a Staff Level Manager's position? Actually this position is responsible for around 70 production level folks and has about a half dozen supervisors reporting to it. There is also a union contract to negotiate every few years as well as $40 million in annual production to get out the door on time. So I think it's fair to say that a lot rides on this guy's head.
 So this is why I haven't written much lately. I have been getting the impression that I might have a (slight) chance of getting this job. My interviewers have made some comments that indicate I surprised them. They haven't taken anybody out of the running yet, and we have some heavy hitters applying from the outside with the shiny MBA's falling out of their front pockets. Still, I have been struck by the idea that I 'might' just have a chance, which never occurred to me before. My grapevine works pretty well, and I know that a few guys didn't do so well in the interviews. That's no surprise to any of us. However, my grapevine, in this case includes one of the interviewers and he is understandably not telling me details of any importance, just things that I had already guessed and we already knew would happen. It would be unprofessional for me to ask, or him to offer, anything that would betray the trust he holds.  I'll just have to wait like the rest of the group.
 This has had me thinking all night, every night. Can I do this job? What will be my first mistake? How will I handle this [major problem] or that [major problem]? How do I get through the interview with the President, who I have only met once, in a hallway, as we walked? How will I stand up against 'the other guy' who has the college, the $800 suit, the fancy shoes, and all the current catch phrases?
 I admit, I don't work in those circles, but I have been advising people in those circles for a long time now. In many cases I have snatched them back from the brink of a catastrophic decision based on their college education, no doubt, many, many times.
 I am a trench guy. I run the job like we run fires. Find out EXACTLY what is going on from the people that are doing the work. Meetings take too long. Get off your ass and go SEE what the problem is. That's me and that's how I get things done faster than anybody I know. I would really love to have a shot at this job and show them how a working man can run a company based on what he has learned over many years of actually 'making stuff' instead of reading about how it is done and having meetings to discuss it.
 The other consideration is that none of us wants to break in a new Boss. That takes an awful lot of effort and we have too much work to do.
 Knowing my Company as I do, I think it's gonna be another 4-5 weeks before we see anything close to a decision. I've had 3 interviews so far, and with folks taking vacations, I suspect things will slow down now. I am anxious to get this over with because I am not the only one that has had to pick up the slack left by not having a Boss. We're all trying to make things happen but it takes a lot more effort and time when you have to go and search for a Staff member to give approvals.
 Just give me the damned job and I'll show you how it's supposed to be done.
UU

Still Catching up .... Apparently

Well, once again I have been remiss in my duty to keep you all entertained with some sort of offering. More on the reason for my distraction in the next post, but first I did promise to tell you about my meeting with The Lonely EMT and her daughter.
 I'll dispense with any explanations about how it can be that two 'anonymous bloggers' actually find each other and have a meet up, let's all just accept that a method was found to make it happen and we arranged a meeting while I was on the road for business. It is no small irony that we selected the State Fire Academy as a meeting place. "Neutral territory", you might think, but in fact, it was directly on my route (honest!) and not a long drive for Hilinda. I needed to stop at the bookstore there anyway and we thought we might crash the palce for lunch.
 Well, lunch was not gonna happen. There was a State Propane Response Conference in session as well as an Electrical Fire Cause and Determination class. Neither Hillinda nor myself can ever recall seeing so many folks in the Dining Hall and there was no way they were gonna 'squeeze' us in. Actually that worked out ok, because my traveling partner and I had to get to an extra stop on our trip and I had precious little time to visit. I promised my partner just a 30 minute stop, but I think it went longer.
 I walked into the bookstore and although I had never met Hillinda, I picked her out almost as fast as she picked me out. I think she was just a second faster actually. We fell right into an easy conversation as she finished her chat with the manager of the bookstore who she has known a long while.
 We found a quiet spot in the un-used lounge and grabbed a table before it began to fill with the overflow from the dining hall. You would think we've known each other for a while, and we talked about all the same things that vollies in the Fire and EMS services talk about. Call volume, bad jobs, Agency issues, and other stuff.
 We also talked about a newly found thing we have in common of enjoying volunteering at large summer music festivals. We are working on arrangements to work together in 2012 at my favorite venue, and she has invited me to join her at hers.
 Funny how you never expect some of the connections you create when you venture into something new. I never expected that my blogging, as poor as it is, would lead me to meet new, interesting and stimulating people. I expected to just spend my time at the keyboard. Just goes to show you, you never know.
 Thanks Hillinda and Sara, for driving over and spending some time. I really enjoyed the visit, even more than you might guess.
 Be safe, Be Sharp,
UU

A Little Fun for a change of pace.

 It's been kind of serious in and around my head lately. I suppose I've splashed a little on my readers also. I thought I would share a little of the stuff that cheers me up, no matter what. I've been thinking about these Boys lately because I will make the pilgrimage to go see them in a few weeks up on the Walsh Farm over to Oak Hill, NY. Ron and his crew, The Dry Branch Fire Squad, put on one good show, and they will be the host Band at the Grey Fox Bluegrass Festival. I very much look forward to the big weekend and all the wonderful music we will hear, as well as the people we will meet.
 So here ya go...


 Now I know Ron comes off here as a dumb ol' country boy, but let me assure you he is a warm, intelligent, and thoughtful person. He's also a great guy and you will frequently see him walking around the festival grounds in shorts and flip-flops talking with folks and joking around. Last year I saw a young man walk up to Ron and hesitantly ask if he could show him a particular lick on his mandolin. When I passed by a half hour later Ron was sitting under a tree with the same young fella passing the mandolin back and forth while they chatted and laughed and talked. That's how Grey Fox is, and that's how Ron is.
 So if you find yourself in Oak Hill between July 14th and 17th, come look me up. I can be found with the Medical Crew, or wandering around. I expect to be on the overnight shift on Thursday night in addition to the pickup shifts I'll be doing through the weekend. I have to wait for the band schedule to come out before I pick my other shifts. Just ask for the EMT with the longest mustache (or the biggest smile on his face).
 There's a small chance my Son-in-law may wind up on the Main Stage with Del McCoury and Bill Kieth this year, so I'm  keeping my fingers crossed.
Be Safe and Be Strong,
UU

Random Stuff

I feel like I owe you folks a post, but as I used up a bunch of material in my last post, I am kind of coming up dry here today. So you are about to be subjected to a 'stream of consciousness' post. You have been warned.

• I read Rogue Medic's post on bad ambulance drivers this morning and was glad to learn that it isn't just me that feels many of our drivers are a bit too aggressive. When I drive I can seldom avoid all stops, BUT I plan for that stop well in advance and work the speed down over a long distance, then as the vehicle is beginning it's last few few before stopping, I LET MY FOOT OFF ON THE BRAKE PEDAL PRESSURE. This little maneuver allows the vehicle to stop without the inertial change and the little jerk. Try it, it might take some practice, but you can actual come to a full stop without anybody realizing you've stopped moving. This little trick, combined with looking way down the road to plan for what MIGHT happen, has kept me from getting any complaints from my techs in the back. Some patients will complain no matter what. To Whit:

PATIENT (on stretcher in back of rig): Tell that DRIVER to take it easy, it's not like I'm gonna die right here!
EMT: Ma'am, we haven't left the accident scene yet.
PATIENT: Don't You tell me! It feels like he is taking us across a cow pasture!
EMT: Yes, Ma'am, I'll tell him. (Under breath: "This is gonna be a LONG ride.")

• Did my morning chores today which includes a trip to my folks house to get then the weekly essentials, milk, bread, etc, along with the Sunday paper. I spend some time doing a few little things around the house and see how they're getting on. With the steady rain today, it doesn't look like they'll be doing much.
• Yesterday, I bit the bullet and spent the day installing my lights and radios in the new truck. It's getting harder and harder to do this stuff in these vehicles with less access holes, more trim, and everything tightened up. But I did manage, after pulling out the center console, carpets, and various door trims, to get everything installed with hardly any wires showing. Halfway through, my driveway looked like some kind of sick extrication drill with parts all over the place.
• This week was a stressful one at the paying job. New product releases are always rough and we are working on one now that is being pushed through at a ridiculous rate (10 weeks instead of 6 months), and there are always a lot that can go wrong. My part of it is almost done and ahead of schedule. I excel at these types challenges because it was my specialty for 20 years and I have gotten good at pulling a rabbit out of a hat. The other parts of this project are loafing along and we will most likely have a mad rush near the deadline to make it all come together, but at least they won't be waiting for my stuff. I was so drained when I got home Friday that I was in bed by 8:30.
• So Saturday when I got up and decided to get the truck work done, I completely blanked out on a public service/community day event that was taking place, and I missed it completely. I have to send a note of apology the organizer, but to be fair, I had not gotten a reminder or anything in the last 2 weeks.
• In spite of all the stuff on my mind this week, I found myself thinking about the trials of another blogger friend across the state who is sailing some rough seas with her Department these past couple of months. I hope things worked out to her satisfaction, but I know she will come out of it fine in the long run.
•  My damned dog ran off yesterday. It's a game she plays and thinks it great fun. She just goes out for a 'walk-about' then comes back in an hour or two. But like a fool I went looking for her with the truck because she won't come to me when I'm on foot, but she loves tuck rides and will jump right in. I found her grazing at the other end of the swamp, and when I opened the door she jumped right in, on my new seats, all dripping with brown swamp water. So today, if the rain lets up, I'll try and get the new stains off my new seats. Yeah, she's cute, loving, and my best buddy, but when she does stuff like this she is just the 'damned dog'.
•  Sunday's around here are a little different. Most of my friends and neighbors work 7 day weeks, so Sunday is just another work day, sort of. They try to make some time for family by starting early, doing short fill in jobs, or saving Sunday for doing quotes and estimates. I ran into several at the local coffee shop this morning and they were all discussing the rainy day plans, one already had 4 hours work in by 9am. I felt guilty heading back home to do whatever chores I felt like, or not, around the place here.
• TOTWTYTR had a fun post yesterday about his day at the range. I love posts like this because they take me away from the routine and transport me to another place and time, and the writer is not even aware of what he is doing for me. His post brought me back about 25 years to my own day at the range when I was testing out a (new to me) rifle I had rescued from mothballs that was chambered in .222 Remington. I loaded up the clip, took aim, and CLICK. Nothing. Waited a few minutes in case of a hang-fire, chambered another round, took aim, and  ... CLICK. I thought I had a box of bad ammo, so I turned it in to the Range Officer. After returning home and doing some investigating, I figured out that the rifle had spent so much time sitting in a rack, cocked, that the firing pin spring had gone soft. A week later I replaced the spring, went back to the range, and she fired just fine. That gun is a real tack-driver. In those days I would be at the range once or twice every week running hundreds of rounds through my handguns, rifles, and occasionally shotguns. I miss those days when I spent my beer money on powder, primers, and bullets.
• Every time I think about FDIC I get excited. Although I still have no idea how I am going to come up with the money, it looks like this is really going to happen for me. Now we have three of us planning on going from the area, and I am going to try to get together with the other guys to firm up some long term plans. I just can't wait.
• I added a page to the blog yesterday titled "Series Posts" (see it up there at the top?). This is just a place for me to put quick references to the longer multi-part series that I have done. Check it out and see if there isn't something you missed from the past. I'll also have posts I feel are worthy of referring to later, it makes them easier to find.

Well that's all I got for today, sorry. No big EMS or Fire revelations here, just routine stuff. I'm sure my issues are of little interest to you, but you have to take what I've got, and today, that's not much. Maybe later something brilliant will hit me.
 Be Safe, Be Sharp,
UU

Hang in there

 Sorry folks, I know this sounds like another excuse, but life got in the way. The better half (otherwise known as my wife) insisted that I could not dedicate my Friday night Saturday, and all day Sunday to my Fire Department activities. The selfish person that she is, required that I take at least 4 hours out of my weekend to preform some family obligations (can you imagine?!).
 This weekend, it meant car shopping. We NEED to replace my (9 MPG) truck. So off we went to "shop". Never, in my wildest dreams, did I expect to actually buy something. But buy something, we did. SO I spent yesterday afternoon, until O-DARK- THIRTY taking all my stuff out of the old 2500. Radios, Lights, gear, and ten years of 'stuff packed in every corner ' in case I 'might need it on some call'. The radios and antennas were the worst part. I did a really good job installing all that stuff and snaking wires every which way.
 I got it done and today we made the trade. So now I need to figure out how to get 'most' of the stuff from my 2500 into a little Dakota Quad Cab. My response gear more than fills the back seat (I think a bed cap is in my future) and after 2 hours of looking it over, I have no idea how, or where to run all the wires for my radios and lights. This is gonna take a while. I stabbed a dash light against the windshield and that will have to do for now along with a scanner to listen to what is going on. I managed to get the basics in the back seat: swiftwater rescue bag, wildland gear bag, Structural gear bag, EMS jump bag, wildland SAR pack, and the O2 bag and AED.
 At any rate, I'll be on this for a while, not in a rush, but it's another time burner. I took a half vacation day (my first) just to stand here and look over my new ride. The only thing I really did, besides load my gear in, was to stick my Officers plate on the front so that folks will recognize me and wave. It will take about a year before all the other Firefighters and Cops get used to what I am now driving. I had the old truck for 10 years.
 So I'm still working on the Blog Post ideas I had and it is coming together in my head. I just need time to put it down. I'll be running a session for the Little League Coaches tonight, and my LAST OSHA class (cue the big two handed air-pump) is tomorrow night. I should have something working before the weekend.
 In the meantime, some of my new friends have some good posts up. Check out The Lonely EMT and see what's on her mind, as well as EMS Chick and Just a Vollie as they all have some new stuff up.
Be Well, Be safe, Be Sharp,
UU

I haven't gone away yet

 Sorry folks, I know I have been remiss this week. It's been a busy week and I fell behind with that last set of posts I've put up. It's not that I've been lazy, just that I've been busy with other stuff.
 I have been fortunate to strike up an acquaintance with several other bloggers and we have had a bunch of email traffic flying back and forth.
 In the process of all the writing which you haven't, and won't see I have started to put some things together in my mind and I have hatched a plan for my next group of posts. 3 people, from 3 different parts of the country, with some similar sounding issues to discuss. Actually it's 4 if you count me.
 Somebody a long time ago told me 'write what you know' so I am working on this series in my head and I think that this may be the real reason that I was looking for when I started this blog.
 So give me a little time to work this out and write it down. If I do this properly each of these individuals will think I am addressing them specifically when in reality I am addressing all of them as well as myself any many other Departments I know. The bad news is that this focuses on the Volunteer Service exclusively and the problems they encounter. I never wanted to speak just to the volleys, although this is 'what I know' and where I live.
 So bear with me, I am still working this out in my head and that is a very scary place indeed. I also have 5 events on my calendar this week, so finding any time to write is going to be tough enough.
UU

Why am I here? and What's My Plan? (4 of 4)

 So I've just re-read what I'd written in the 3 previous posts which only drew 1 comment and 1 direct email (thank you both). I had hoped for more, but I didn't expect too much so I'm not disappointed. I understand this is entertainment for most, not a participation sport. I expect some of the busier folks will stop by in the next week and I will still be interested to hear their comments.
 So after reading everything straight through and also having the benefit of having thought about this over the week, I have some new observations and I think, some adjustments to my direction.
 My first thought when I read everything straight through was "My gosh, I sound like a whiny spoiled child", "Woe is me". I had not taken stock of how lucky I am, nor have I even been aware of how good I have it.
 First, I work in a great Department with some really fantastic people that have taught me a lot about the Service and life in general. Some folks wind up in a hell hole where no learning takes place, gear is old and broken, and the best folks are barely competent. I got lucky, damned lucky, or I wouldn't have gotten the drive to be where I am now. Further, I have been allowed and encouraged to go outside the Department and learn from some of the very best and bring that stuff back, AND I have been permitted to do that teaching. So many of us get held back or held down by their Departments or co-workers because of politics or jealousy. I've been lucky.
 I've done some downright tough jobs as part of a good, supportive crew, and I have come back from the depths with them to rise to a higher level as a team. Few humans get to know what that feels like, but I do.
 Yes, I am old, but I'm not dead yet. My health is good, better than many my age, and I am in fairly good shape considering the roads I've been on in the last 55 years. (An old bull rider once told me "Son, it ain't the years, it's the miles what takes a man down.") I don't think you will find many 55 year old farts that will readily strap that air pack on and get in there. Not in the volunteer service, anyway.
 Instead of feeling like I am washed up, I should have been focusing on the blessings I've had, and continue to enjoy. I think I am focused now.
 I once had a Boss who was educated well beyond his intelligence and as he would say, 'here are my action items' to myself:
1) Be Happy you are alive and providing a valuable Service to the Department and Community. Most people never get to make that claim.
2) Keep working on being a good mentor to the youngsters and show them, by example what a good attitude and work ethic looks like.
3) Keep learning, because what you learn has value to others as well as yourself.
4) Stay healthy, keep working out, and make every Drill you can. Sweat is good.
5) Keep teaching every chance you can. It keeps you thinking and you learn from your students. Collect that stuff and spread it around. It will keep you young, too.
6) Don't worry about whether or not people respect you, they do. If they don't, you probably didn't want their respect anyway. If you do respectable work, treat others with respect, keep a clean and honest ethic, they will respect you, even if they don't like you.
7) Put the 'age thing' aside for now. Be aware that your body can not deliver what your mind demands anymore, but for now you are holding in. Don't let your pride get in the way of stepping back when that's what you should do. Don't put others in danger because of your short comings. But beyond that, let it all hang out man.
8) FDIC: It can STILL happen for you. You need to have faith and try to find a way to get there. The experience will be more than worth it. Just as with anything else you have already achieved, you need to make it a priority and keep working in that direction. (If FireCritic and the Iron Fireman can get all kinds of free stuff and have give-aways on their Blogs, you should be able to find a way to spend a week in Indy.)
9) Learn how to say "NO" firmly and with a smile. Schedule time for yourself first, then others later instead of the other way around.
10) Ease up on the 'blog thing'. The folks that read it will come read it when they want. getting regular posts out won't make much of a difference. Try to increase the quality while decreasing the quantity.

OK, that's what I came up with. I am guessing you are probably good with it too. If you have something to add or a correction to offer, please do. I don't know why one of you folks, who are supposed to be my friends, didn't tell me I sounded like such a whining jackass? Did you think you'd hurt my feelings? OK, I forgive you, but next time, you'd better let me know when I step off the truck on the wrong side.
 I appreciate you all listening to my head while I worked this thing out. My course correction has been loaded into the system and I'll be back on the road now. I hope you enjoyed the ride.
UU