THE BEGINNING OF THE END PERHAPS

 I've had a lot of bad jobs over the years that make me reconsider what I am doing here in the Fire and EMS Service. As I tell the newbies 'Some folks are just not cut out for this stuff, there is no shame in admitting that when it becomes apparent to you.' Perhaps it's time to listen to myself.
 This last storm took more out of me than I think I had to give. The total devastation of property, livelihoods, and infrastructure in every direction around us was more than I could handle.
 In previous posts I showed some of the videos to give an idea of what was going on, but the truth is, they don't even begin to give you an idea. Two weeks on and many folks are still getting power back and re-connecting with the world. I don't care what the media, the politicians, or the utilities might tell you, the fact is a lot of folks have been left on their own because they are cut off from any real hope. Fortunately, those folks are like most self-reliant Americans and have done what needs to be done to care for themselves and their neighbors up to and including rebuilding roads on their own.
 Last night was the first real night of actual rest I've had in 2 weeks. No I have not been out playing hero every day and wearing myself out. I have been trying to balance home, work, and Fire Service responsibilities without a hell of a lot of luck. Every night I lay in bed conflicted by what I WANT to do (be out there helping), and what I have to do (go to work and be a good boy). I work in a small city that had no real impact from the storm, but I live in the hills. The folks at work have no idea how serious the conditions are just 30 miles west of town, and they really don't care. Last night I took my wife out (who is depressed and exhausted from all the family stuff she has been juggling) and we had a couple of beers, listened to some good bluegrass, and enjoyed the company of good friends and family. We returned home relaxed and I managed to get in 10 hours of sleep. I don't do that unless I am really sick or really drunk, neither of which applied here. I had finally relaxed for just a few hours.
 I came down to my desk and thought I could finally get a good blog post off, but every time I began, I just couldn't start thinking about this stuff. We are two weeks along and many of the critical repair project are pretty much where they were two weeks ago. The rain we had on Wednesday erased much if not all of the work that had been done. You might have heard about the flooding in PA and Binghamton, NY, but not a word was said about how it delivered a second blow in our area. Mentally, this was like being kicked in the head while already laying on the ground after a heavy beating for us.
 Take a look at this Associated Press video which was shot on Monday night of the hurricane 8/29 I think, just a few hours after the water started dropping. These guys were tired, but had no idea it had only just begun and would go on for many days after and they would start all over in ten days. Yes, all the evacuation sirens in this area were sounding off at 0600 on Wednesday 9/7/11 all over again and the evacuations began again as water flowed down Main St. in 4 different mountain villages.

I think I am done handing this stuff. I got into this, and stayed in it, to help people, my neighbors, but I have learned that we are constricted by our leadership. In my county this is a severe handicap. Although our leadership is not corrupt as far as I know, they are simply bureaucrats whose first order of business is to keep their jobs. They showed no courage or leadership in my eyes during this event. In fact, my personal opinion is that they willfully abdicated responsibility and virtually abandoned their posts. Of course, their press releases, when they did come out, made them sound like miracle workers. It was all bull. The people and the small towns they were supposed to help,  were on their own. The County leadership was, and remains, a house of cards. Witness this:

The reporter in this video rode her mountain bike up the road the day it was opened for foot traffic, three days after the storm came through.
 I was speaking with a Chief in a mutual aid department where I went out to help last weekend and he said "Yeah it was a bit hairy that night and I was gonna give you a call along with some of your other guys to see if you could come out to help with the Swiftwater work when it dawned on me that we were cut off and you couldn't get here anyway." He didn't really know how many rescues they did through the first rain period, just going from job to job like they were cellar pumps.
 I'm disgusted and burned out. I am re-evaluating what I am doing with my life. I don't think I can deal with the bullshit anymore. It took me all day just to get up the energy to write this post, and the only thing that is getting me through it is having some good bluegrass playing in the background to keep my conscious mind occupied.
 I've suspected for a while that I may have some of that PTSD stuff that they say builds up over time. I think this last event just pushed me over the edge. I have all the symptoms, short temper, mood swings, inability to concentrate, depression, the need to be alone, etc.. It's possible that I need a change of scenery. It's also possible that I'm done.
UU

A Blessing

 If you've read the past few posts you know that it was a trying and painful few days for my Department family and me over the last week. I have a wake to attend today, and a funeral tomorrow before the final healing and sorting process can begin.
 They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but on more than a few occasions I have come to question that theory. I think there is a chance that this time God overdid it a bit this time and might have felt a little bad about it, because he threw something in to help me deal with it.
 Just 25 hours after we finished up that bad call and only 2 hours after the CISM session we had a bad storm come through and wreak some heavy havoc. I was so wiped out that I had taken the night off and slept through most of it because I needed the sleep badly. I was exhausted. We gad about 10-12 calls during the overnight and more calls started coming in when the sun rose and people discovered the damage. I grabbed a few calls before going to work because I knew the crew had been up all night and just went to bed, or off to work.
 All simple stuff requiring a report, or blocking off a road and notifying the power company or DPW. The last one was yet another "trees and wires" call and I headed up, but couldn't find anything as I crept up the main road searching the overhead. I swung around, came back, and still found nothing, so I pulled into the driveway of the address that was given to get my truck off the road and do a foot search. That's when I saw it. In the driveway, which was around 100 feet long, there were 5 or 6 20 inch diameter maples toppled over in every direction. A detached garage was blown to pieces, wires, power poles, and stuff all over the place.Two cars were fairly flattened. There were 2 houses served by this (formerly) nice driveway. I couldn't even see the houses. These folks got clobbered.
 I got out, walked up and was greeted by a gentleman walking down to meet me. After getting the basics covered (the houses are ok, nobody hurt, no smoke or fire, nobody with medical issues, etc) I went through the normal safety cautions like "Don't touch any wires until the power company gets here, take lots of pictures, call you insurance company" and also explained that as this was on private property, there was not a lot the Fire Department could do beyond ensuring the residents safety.
 I was about half way through the spiel when the fellow lifted his hand and said "I get it, everybody's fine, we're cool here, we just wanted to make the notifications and get the power company here to cut the power and get us on the 'list'. I am retired from the FDNY and I know the drill. There is no rush here."
 My eyes must have given me away. I looked at him and thought "FDNY, really? He looks like he's younger than me! Retired?" He offered a little more "I was forced out at 3/4 retirement after I broke my back working on The Pile for a month. It was the second time I broke my back, and they forced me out. A lot of guys went out after 9/11."
 Soon the Chief showed up and I gave him the rundown. The bottom line was that the situation was stable and with everybody out working, they would have to wait until the power company got there to get things started.
  We called dispatch and gave them the report. The Chief left for the next job and I started to leave myself when the fellow asked me which way I was going and if I could just give him a lift down the road to get some coffee at the market. "No sweat" I said, just hop in.
 So down we went and in that short drive I learned that he was a Lt. with Rescue 3, had 18 years in, and lost a lot of friends. He was mustered out and went through a bad bout of alcoholism, divorced, got dried up, 'fixed' himself, found a new love, and life is now good for him. He's been living in our town for 8 years. He misses the Service though, and 'hanging with the crew'.
 He asked me about our Department and I just said that it is probably a lot different than his experience, but we suffer our pains. I mentioned the tragedy that we were currently dealing with and he instinctively began to talk to me like a Brother who had worked by my side everyday. Sharing some short stories and metaphorically putting his hand on my shoulder. It was amazing how much we talked about in just 10 minutes.
 I dropped him off at home and on my way into work I gave the Chief a call and told him the guys story. I knew that we should be able to do a little more to help this guy out, and I also knew that the Chief (who spent 2 weeks on The Pile) would feel the same way.
 The Chief made some calls and got things rolling, he got a power crew to expedite over and get the power cut off, then he called some contractors to go over and scope the job and get them some quotes. Later that day, he called in a dispatch for a public service call for a non-emergent structural collapse and got a crew there to help remove some of the trees, open the driveway, and get the 1 car out of the collapsed garage.
 I stopped in the following day to check progress, and we chatted a little more. I invited the guy to come by the station anytime. For his part, he was very grateful for everything we did and impressed by our crew. I assured him that what we did for him were things that we are not 'supposed to do' and asked him to keep it a little quiet. We were just taking care of a Brother, it was no big deal.
 My short conversations with this Brother probably did more to help me through this week than anything else I tried.
 I'll stop by and check on him later today and bring an application with me. Our Department could always use a few more 'support members' and I think our young folks could learn a lot from this Brother. I know this old guy did.
Be Safe, Be Sharp,
UU

Rough Week

Yeah, it wasn't really good for us around here the second half of this week and as a result I will be attending a wake and a funeral over the holiday weekend. (See previous post and associated comments.)
 Last night we had a CISM session. Now let me say that after all the ugly jobs I've been involved with I have learned a few things about stress, grief, emotions, and all the stuff that comes along with the heart wrenching jobs. I am certainly no expert, and you should absolutely not take what I say as a guide. However I have learned that we each have our own best coping mechanisms. My suggestion is that you find what works for you and use that whenever you feel the need. My personal experience supports most of the psychologists research, to whit: Drinking alcohol to excess doesn't help anything, exercise does. Talking to a trusted peer helps a lot, getting it out is important, and you need to do it with a protected source so that you feel totally comfortable.
 CISM (Critical Incident Stress Management) works for some, but I can tell you that it doesn't work for me. I am too inhibited to cry and talk in front of those who I must also lead. Every time we do one of these, I walk out feeling exposed and that doesn't help me much. None the less, it might work for others, so I support the process because the important thing is that my people get whatever they need to get them through whatever they are going through, and that they can get 'it' in whatever format works for them. So we use a combination of CISM, peer support, and various ad-hoc methods (drinking beer around a campfire, coffee at the deli before work, bullshitting after drills or work parties, whatever). We call and check in with each other to see how we are doing.
 So I survived the CISM session last night as did everyone else. It was the first time for a lot of those involved in the job, actually I think there were only 3 of us in the group who have been through this before. The rest were all newbies to the process. The session took more from me than I got out of it, but I hope some of the youngsters found it helpful, especially my son. He witnessed, on this call, the first of his peers to die as he watched. He lost someone who was his closet friend all through grammar school, middle school, and a good solid friend through High School and into adulthood. Three days on, and I don't think it's really hit home for him yet.
 As for me, I started my personal flavor of CISM this afternoon by leaving work early and doing this...

It's a 3 minute drive from my house, and a mile and a half hike in from the road. No people, no noise, (no fish), and nothing to do but think and sort things out.
 It works for me. In fact, It worked so well, I might do it again this weekend.
 I'll miss you Woodchuck, it was an honor to know you and watch you grow into a man.
Be Safe, Be Strong, Be Sharp,
UU

When Firefighters Cry

When Firefighters cry, it is without shame.
When Firefighters cry, it is not because they could not do more, but because there was no more that could be done.
When Firefighters cry, it is a visceral and painful cry that creates an actual muscular pain within. It comes from deep within their soul.
 When Firefighters cry, it is not because they didn't do their best, it is because their best wasn't good enough...tonight.
 When Firefighters cry it is because they understand, better than most, how unfair life, or death, can be.



There are days, not many, when I hate this job. Today is one of those days.
UU

As Bad As It Gets

I've been in this business long enough to know that I will never have 'seen it all'. Kind of like when you say "Gee, it's awful quiet tonight!" and you get clobbered for the rest of the shift, saying that you've "seen it all" is a sure way to be certain that you will soon be greeted by a disturbing and bizarre job that could very well blow your mind. These are things a fool utters to make sure everyone is clear that he or she is a confirmed ass.
 However, I have been known to use the term "as bad as it gets" to describe a few jobs that were especially difficult. I have now put this one up with the others as a fools words.
 We worry about both ourselves and our team when we work the really ugly jobs and we watch them afterward so we can be there for them if they need us. What doesn't affect us, may bring somebody else down hard and vice versa. We all have our weak spots, and those of us who know our own weaknesses also know how to deal with it in one way or another. I've have talked down more than a few of my Brothers and Sisters, as they have done for me when I needed it, and yes, I have indeed needed it a time or two.
 I am by no means a trained counselor, and have at times directed co-workers toward professional help when I thought that was the right way to go. However, I believe I have learned a fair amount about what makes us tick, particularly from picking my own thoughts apart. It is knowledge gleaned through the pain of others as well as myself.
 After a recent horrific job, the one that made me hang up the words 'as bad as it gets', I spent considerable time with one of my Brothers working through things. He is doing very well now, but something he said made it all click in my head.
 There is a saying in the Fire Business that goes something like "if you are dispatched to a fire, expect fire". Now this may seem stupid at first, but the fact of the matter is that we get complacent about our ability to handle things and sometimes get caught off guard. "Expect Fire" means that while enroute, you get dressed and step off the truck ready to work, geared up, air pack on, with a tool in your hand. It's when we assume that it will be another defective alarm sensor that we get into trouble and behind the curve. Bad beginnings make for bad endings.
 So the epiphany I had was this: Every time I get  'messed up' by a bad job I find that I was taken by surprise by what I found, or the direction the job went in while I was safely assuming it would go the way I wanted. I looked at the folks I have helped through a 'rough patch' and realize now that they too were caught off guard. They didn't 'expect fire' and stepped off the truck to see a full working 3 banger. There is no time to play catch up in that situation, you will be behind for the entire event. I am speaking metaphorically, of course.
 Arriving at the chest pain call and only expecting 'chest pains' is a pretty silly way to approach such a call. If you walk in and find a newly dead person, you are already behind the curve, as this will throw you off your game in a big way.
 So I guess what I am saying is that if you always go in expecting the worst and are prepared for that, you will never be caught off guard. I am betting this is going to limit your psychological exposure.
 Please, give this some thought. Review the calls that gave you a hard time and ask yourself if you walked into it fully prepared, or if perhaps, you were just a little behind the curve. For myself, I never feel bad when I lose a patient while I was doing everything that I could do and the way it should be done. But I beat the hell out of myself if there is even the slightest possibility that I could have done something better, faster, or different.
 Be safe, be sharp, be ready,
UU
P.S. I will never be writing about the job that prompted this post. Some things are just not meant to be shared and some things are just so horrible that they defy belief or comprehension. The movie in my head will be a long time fading.

News to me!

I learned something today, just an hour ago, as a matter of precision. I was leaving work (the office) with a co-worker and the Boss caught me. "Hey, you got a minute? Do you have somewhere you have to be?" "No. I'm good, last night I had an early meeting, tonight, no rush." "Good" He said and motioned me into his office and closed the door as he wished my co-worker a nice evening. 'Ah shoot" I thought, this is gonna be another rush project he needs done first thing in the morning. There have been a lot of these 'emergencies' lately and they are wearing me out. My job description never said 'Freakin' Magician', but that's what I've been lately.
 Sure enough he had a problem he wanted to interject me into because I have an 'open mind' and can find the best solution for everybody. He told me all about it and we kicked some ideas around so I could figure out what he really wanted to accomplish. Sometimes this is the hardest part, so I ask all these questions up front. It makes it easier on both of us.
 When he finished, we slipped into lighter subjects and somehow I heard myself saying "Well, I just want to go home, have dinner and a beer and go to bed. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and I don't know why." He looked at me and I could see that he was gonna jump right into the "That Fire Department stuff is sucking you dry" speech, but he didn't... exactly. "You know", he leaned back in his chair, "I know you love that emergency responder stuff because you thrive on helping people. I have a feeling that perhaps it's all the politics and bullshit that goes along with it that keeps you up at night. I know you don't get bothered at all by the screaming and the fires, and the blood, and the carnage. So maybe you should step back and look at why you do this stuff, and perhaps re-orient your goals?"
 I had a dumb look on my face for a couple of seconds, then I assured him that it had nothing to do with the Fire Department, and I truly had no idea what kept me awake most of last night. I also reassured him that I was stepping away from the politics and human issues by giving up my Captain's spot in 2 weeks. Life will get much easier for me and I can re-charge a bit in my new Fire Line Officer's job. Still he urged me to 'think about it.'
 I headed out and how words were echoing in my head about how the 'bad stuff' doesn't bother me. That's the third time somebody has said that to me and I always think 'how the hell would you know?'
 The first time was the day I went to work at 7am after being at my first fatal fire all night. It was double fatal, a mother and her 8 year old child. The child was one that my daughter baby-sat. It was probably the roughest job I have ever had, and no, you will probably never see the story up here. I should not have gone to work that day. I was a wreck. I made the further mistake of telling my boss what had happened and that I would be 'laying low' that day. (This is a different boss at a different job, it was years ago.) He said, "Hey, if your going to do this 'fire stuff' you need to learn how to shrug this stuff off. You can't let it affect you. It's other people getting hurt, not you. It's no big deal." At the time I felt like decking him right there but instead just shrugged and got to work. Idiot.
 The second time somebody said that, it was a semi-close friend and I asked him why he thought that I should not be bothered by the 'bad stuff'. He said "Well, you guys have the training, you understand all this stuff, you are in control, and you see it all the time. I guess after a while you guys just get immune to it." I explained to him that we are not immune but we do have coping mechanisms we have developed. However, once in a while we all take one that gets to us. Sometimes they come in bunches.
 Now that I have heard this 3 times I have begun to realize that people do, in fact, think we are immune. This explains why people take us for granted. They think it's easy for us and it never bothers us.
That was news to me.
 Take a look at this video. This fella is me all over including how he responded to an emergency at his paying job.
 No Boss, we are not immune.
 

UU

Somtimes...

Sometimes we do our best and it is not enough.

Sometimes we are left with a big, empty, hollow hole where our soul used to sit.

Sometimes we are willing to give all, but all just doesn't come close enough.

Sometimes we wish that we were more than what we are.

Sometimes we wish we could live up to our billing.

Sometimes it takes a long time before we feel whole again.

Sometimes we hurt so bad that we can't imagine the pain going away.

Sometimes the pain doesn't go away.

Sometimes it just sucks to be us.

UU

Dear Neighbor….

Dear Neighbor,
We’ve know each other for what… 25 years now? We moved into this neighborhood within a year of each other and our kids, all grown now, were all around the same age. The played pee-wee sports together and we saw you quite often in those days. Later we would se each other occasionally at school plays, concerts, and the rare church events when one of us wasn’t working. I remember that time I passed your house and saw you struggling to place all those stones your wife made you buy to make the garden “pretty”. I thought twice before stopping to offer you a hand, but it turned into a fun afternoon sweating our butts off. Those long necks and steaks sure did taste good that night.
We were never what you might call good friends, but I think we both agree we are close acquaintances. I truly do like you and you are a fine neighbor. You loaned me some pipe fittings on a cold windy Sunday night in February that allowed me to fix our heat and keep the kids warm. Boy, that was huge for me.
So dear neighbor I hope you will be understanding when I tell you that no, I will not tell you what happened at your friend’s car accident last night. Of course I was there and I did take a hand in the job but that does not mean that I will share everything, or even anything that transpired last night with you about your friend.
I am very sorry that your friend did not survive. I can assure you that everything that could have been done, was done for your friend. That is all I can or will tell you. If as you say, you two were very close, then perhaps you can get the information you seek from his family.
Because you are my neighbor of so many years and we have shared many conversations over the fence I think I can also tell you this: I would appreciate it very much if you would respect the confidence in which I hold all information about the jobs I work with the Fire Department. I am sure if it were your family, you would not want me spreading that information around town. Please understand that I never discuss these incidents with anyone who was not on my crew. Please don’t be mad at me. If you consider that by just asking me the questions you pose, you have forced me to re-live the moments and experiences which I am still trying to process. You saw the article and pictures in this morning’s paper and have to know how horrific that scene must have been. Why would you want me to go through that again by relating what happened to you?
I know you probably did not consider that these type incidents have an effect on me, after all, I do this all the time, right? Well my friend, I can tell you that for me at least it never gets easier. I got in this business, as a volunteer, to help and hopefully save people if at all possible. We all train very hard to keep our skills up, which can be tough when we also have jobs, kids, spouses, and homes we try to maintain to look as nice as yours. When we fail to make a save, it affects us deeply and each in his own way. For myself, I take it as a personal failure. It takes me many days or weeks, and on rare occasions, years, to sort out the feelings and get on with life.
So when you ask me to ‘tell you what happened’, you have in effect just ripped the wound open again. I know that you didn’t think about this, but I am asking you to think about it now. You’ve asked me questions like this before, but just in passing and you probably didn’t notice that I changed the subject or gave you an answer that included only the information that was in the newspaper.
I know for you, it is harmless small town chit-chat, but for me it is somebody’s life, death, or health information. On the other side, I am sure that you have never considered that what I might tell you would overload your senses. In other words, I doubt that you could handle, or even understand the things I have seen and had to deal with. There is no way I would burden you with the mental pictures I carry. I have training and understand the ‘why’ part of the equation, which helps me parse it all out; you do not and will only see something you don’t have a clue as to how to deal with it. Telling you all might take you down a dark road indeed, with no map home.
Neighbor, I like you and we have been friends for a long time, but I’m asking you to respect my position and please do not ask me these questions again.
I hope we are still friends.
Your Neighbor,
UU