Why am I here? (3 of 4) and What's Next?

 You should have read Part 1 and Part 2 (scroll down) of this before going further, you may decide you have better things to do with your time.
 I said at the beginning that I really didn't know where this was going to lead me and I still don't. It occurred to me that this whole series must seem like I am infatuated with myself and my problems. One of the big gun bloggers wrote just a few months ago that one should never write about themselves because 'nobody cares'. I suspect this is true, but on the other hand, the most predictable way to draw comments on the blog is by writing about something that may have caused oneself harm. I almost always get comments when somebody thinks I've been hurt, either physically or psychologically. It tells me that some folks do care. Anyway, I am not writing this because I think you want to know about me, I am writing this FOR ME, to work through the issues I face, and come up with a plan. There is a chance that some of you reading it will see something I don't and set me straight, or give me a clue to a new path. You folks are smarter than you might think, I've seen what you write.
 So let's move on, shall we?
 The final point about where I am now is that I feel like I am pushing too hard because I sense that I am running short on meaningful time. I teach regularly for the County from Fall to Spring each year (one class left this year) and I could teach more if I wanted. But between that, my responsibilities with my Fire Company (I am over at the station about 6 times a week making sure we stay combat ready), my responsibilities supporting the new Officers in the Rescue Company I recently left as Captain (they get about 2-8 hours a week from me), and my assignments from the Chief to support Department operations (another 2-8 hours a week) I am a pretty busy guy. Keep in mind that I hold down a 50hr/week on the paying job which also has responsibilities outside of the normal business hours from time to time. I get paid to get the job done, not just put in hours. So I guess you could see why I am tried a lot of the time when the pager goes off for the REAL REASON I do all this stuff. I didn't realize how tired I was until I left the Rescue Squad job and had more time on my hands (which I quickly filled). Finally, there is the time I spend on this blog either writing, or thinking about posts to write, or reading other blogs. I probably waste spend about 15 hours a week just reading whats out there.
 To summarize a little:  I am old. I am out of time to do what I had hoped to do. I believe I still have many contributions to make. I am wondering what the 'end game' is going to look like so that I can work toward that gracefully. I may be doing a little bit more than I can handle and I can't say "NO" very well, if ever.
 I have re-read what I've written up to this point and the easy answer I had hoped for it not presenting itself to me.
 I have contemplated leaving it up to you, the readers, to chime in with your thoughts, but I fully expect that it would only draw one or two comments, and that possibility would provide me with a very negative out look.  On the other hand, if you could spare a minute to leave a comment, that would probably be helpful and to be honest, I really am looking for some feedback here. I'm just not getting my hopes up, or hanging my hat on that.
 I am going to close this post out with an answer to the question I expect many of you are asking. You want to know what it is that I want. What do I need? Well, I suppose I already mentioned it either directly or not, but perhaps I wasn't specific. Perhaps I wasn't thinking about that myself. I usually think about what other folks expect from me first, and what I want second, then try to find a compromise in the middle. Usually this means I get a piece of what I wanted, and the others get what they asked for. Most times, I am good with that, I like making people happy. That makes me happy.
 But what I think I want is basically this: I want to to remain a valuable member of the team. I want to continue to provide front line service. I want to continue to teach the youngsters and help shape their ATTITUDES, if not their skills. I want to spend more time on the Fire Side, than EMS. I want to get out there and meet some of those big names whose books I have read. I would really like to see if I can get my teaching up to a higher level and provide a worthwhile experience to a larger audience. I want to end up being respected for the value I brought in, and lasted after I am gone. And yes, as a final detail, I want to find a way to get to FDIC before the clock runs out any further.
 So I think I will do this: I will close this post here and leave time for some comments that I hope will come. Whether they do or not, 48 hours after this post, I will put up my final post in the series with my plan going forward.
UU

Why am I here? (2 of 4) and Where Exactly Am I, Anyway?

 So part one covered the reason for this 'quest' of mine, to figure out where I am and where to go next. I have a lot of questions. But I suppose, if I am to properly to include you, the reader in this 'thing' I should give you a little more understanding of where I am. It might also help me get a better handle on it myself.
 First, if you are a regular reader, you've already picked up a bunch of background on me and painted a picture in your head of what and who I am. ( Six foot, three inches, 210 pounds of rippling muscle with an impressive mustache and an enticing smile.  OK, so maybe not. How about 5'5'', 190 pound teletubby, bald, and ugly? OK, neither of those are correct.) In case you have not been reading the blog for long, here is a post I put up about a year and a half ago with some of my background. Over the life of this blog I have let other details and facts about me slip into the written word. You will have to go dig those out for yourself. Those little things help you fill in your personal picture of who I am.
 Now I am going to tell you something you don't know, because I have guarded this fact since I decided to start the blog. In a few weeks I will celebrate my 56th birthday. Yeah, so when I have mentioned here that I am an 'old guy', you now know that I meant it. Not that 56 is ancient, but for what I do, it is considered old. In my Department I am the oldest guy that puts on an air pack and goes to work. I can tell my Chief doesn't like this much and her tries to avoid letting me in, but I still love the work and can do the job, even if I get winded sooner, and that 30 minute bottle only lasts about 20 minutes. I'll be honest and tell you that I know these days are gonna end soon. It could be any day, but for now I am safe, healthy, and competent. I still don't have too much trouble answering the off-hours calls, but it's getting rough on me when a call comes in at midnight and I stay up working it, or successive calls through the night and get no sleep at all. I have to be a presentable professional person when the clock strikes 8:00am and there are some days when that is very hard to do. Let me finish this point by adding that I do not have any illusions that I can keep up with the young guys and gals, however my part on the team is to provide some labor, but also some leadership to keep the younger folks focused and safe. My hope is that when my last day comes, they will have learned enough to do the same for those younger than themselves and continue on. So this 'age thing' is weighing very heavy on my mind of late. It is the main reason I have decided it is time to re-think where I am headed.
 The second cause for the 'quest' is my goals, or rather the realization that I will never be able to achieve the things I had hoped to do. I will never be the old grizzled Captain with 30 years of experience dispensing wisdom to the youngsters in their 30's. I came into the Service too late in my life to get that kind of time in. I will never be able to present a class at FDIC, at least I wouldn't lay any money on it, unless they start giving retirement fund classes, and I suck at that stuff anyway. Hell, one of my goals has always been to just ATTEND FDIC and I can't even get enough cash together to manage that. Although I have drawn  a line in the sand and told myself I am going to get there in 2012, I really don't know where I am going to find the cash and I don't have much of a workable plan. These last couple of weeks, I have been questioning if the trip would be wasted on me, being as old as I am. I also had a general goal of taking my time and training and putting it to the common good by either working as a State Fire Instructor, or a Fire Investigator in semi-retirement. This first one won't happen, but the second one is still open and mostly depends on the local politics.
 Six years ago, I started a training log to keep track of the hours I spent in the classroom for legitimate classes. I don't count department drills, or classes I teach, only classes I take that yield a certificate or a certification. Yesterday I was updating that log when I learned that I recently passed 1,000 classroom hours in registered classes. That's 63 classes in 6 years with an average of 165 hours per year. This is in spite of the fact that I consciously decided to back off in 2010 because I already had a lot of classes, and I still finished the year with 122 hours. This is about what I think every firefighter needs to stay current at a minimum. Knowledge is power, knowledge is safety. One of the reasons I take all these classes is so that I can pass this knowledge on to those who lack the time to take an entire class, but really need the basic information and training. I don't want to be one of those old grizzled Instructors who teaches things they way they learned them 'back in the day'. I want to be the guy the gives them the latest knowledge that can be had. There are still too many instructors teaching bad habits to new people. I vowed long ago I would not be one of 'them'.
 So you can see that not reaching my expectations for myself is a big part of where my head is at right now. This is the first time, ever, in my life that I can recall such a realization. This is probably because in the past, I could always take more time to reach my goal, and I would always meet or exceed it. But this time, there is no more time for me. The clock ran out and I'm still running up hill. I am, to say the least, disappointed with myself.
 The last major point that brings me to this 'quest' is wondering how this is all going to end. What will the 'end of the road' look like for good ol' UU? Do I live out a long (perhaps too long) life and die in a nursing home bed someplace where my kids won't come visit me because I don't remember them and give them grief when they do come? Do I become an LODD for something stupid during a split second lapse in judgment or because (worse yet) I didn't back off when I should have? I know for sure I will never retire to a life of fishing, reading, and enjoying life. For one thing, the finances aren't there and I'll probably have to work until I die. For another, I have to be fully involved in something that makes me feel worthwhile. The Fire Service does that for me, and that's why I put so much effort into it, it makes me whole. I am quick to admit to myself that I volunteer my time, effort, and soul to the community because it compensates, in my mind, for something I lack as a member of society. I am not too clear what it is that is lacking, but I am sure that I owe more than I am owed. No, I do not know why I feel this way, I just do. It's what makes me get out of a warm bed at 2am, I fell like I owe it to somebody.
 In part 3 we'll finish up with where I am now, and we'll move on to what the options are.
UU

Why am I here? (1of 4) The Search Within

Hallway Sledge over at Backwards and Stupid laid in a great post on Friday in discussion and expansion of Capt. Dugan's keynote address at FDIC this past week. If you missed the speech, go catch it on Fire Engineering's site.
 Mr. Sledge asks the legitimate question "Are you a 1 percenter?" This is a question I have been ruminating on for a while now as I enter a period in my Fire/EMS career where I am questioning what I can do, and what I should be doing, as well as if I should be looking at doing something else that better suits my skills and abilities. Mr.Sledge writes a very good piece that helps one think through where one stands and where one wishes to go. Whereas I cannot give Mr. Sledge credit for making me have this conversation with myself, I can and do thank him for spreading the pieces out in a workable manner for me to look at. Frankly, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. (To answer the question, I think I'm in the 9% group and pushing it.)
 I'm wondering at this point in my life if I am too old to be doing what I am doing, and to the extent that I am doing it. I have always been somebody who goes all the way in everything I do this and usually don't stop until I have achieved more than I thought I was capable of. I had hoped my experience in the Fire Service would be no different, and to a point, it hasn't. I never expected to earn my National Certification as an FSI II. I never expected to find myself up in front of a class teaching Journeymen Firefighters how to be safe, use new tactics, or work incidents in a new way. I should be pretty proud off where I am right now. I don't think that any of the Instructors, mentors, or teachers I've had would tell you I disappointed them (well, perhaps just one in particular).
 So in this series of posts, I plan on laying a lot of stuff out there to try and help me think this thing through. I think better about stuff when I write it down because I have to re-read it a few times and decide if I wrote what I really intended. I don't know how this is going to turn out and what decisions I may or may not make. I may decide to drop this blogging stuff, move away from active Firefighting, move into EMS more or away further. I have some things I would like to do that I am beginning to realize will never happen, and that bothers me. A lot. It makes me realize I am on the downhill-side of my life.
 I started this blog for several reasons, some good, some bad, and some not clear to me. It has served as a 'relief-valve' at times, and also as a welcome distraction. I have high hopes that one or two things I have written MAY have made a difference in somebodies life or job. Maybe I helped someone to re-think one little piece of how they do things for the better. Perhaps I have provided information that led them to some helpful information. If I did any of that, my time was well spent. But I see very few comments on this blog. That's OK, I didn't, and don't, expect much. I throw it out there and hope somebody uses a piece of it at some point. I know my writing is pretty poor, and that the readers I get come, read, and seldom come back. I also know that there are a handful that read every new post when it goes up. There is the Captain up in Providence, RI, some fellas in Roanoke, VA. Somebody in the DC area (or several?), a couple in Winnipeg, some in Western Canada, a few in California, Colorado, Texas, Washington, Oregon, and several overseas. I appreciate those readers, but have never figured out what brings them back. Maybe they are hoping that someday I will post something really good to make all the visits worthwhile. For whatever reason, it does my heart and ego good to see them in my stat files.
 So if you care to bear witness to this experiment, read on. If you have no interest in what goes on in the head of some anonymous Firefighter/EMT volunteer who shows all signs of going through a mid-life crisis, then by all means, go read some of the better blogs. That's what makes them better anyway: you reading them. I state in the title line that this is 1 of 3, but the truth is, I haven't done the whole series yet, so I am not sure how long or short this will be. It's a trip for which I do not know the destination.
 Wanna go for a ride?
UU

It's About Damned Time!

I finally did it. I've been walking past my weight bench and not looking at it for 6 months (OK, OK, it's been a year, maybe more) now, always telling myself that "tomorrow I will get back to it".  I sort of had it cleaned off a month or two ago, but just couldn't get my fat ass to work. I should have been on it a year ago.
 Well, now that I have gotten a clean bill of health on some issues that were 'causing me concern', I have no excuse. If I am going to make a change, today was the day.
 So I started by recording all my vitals and baseline statistics. No, I am not going to share them with you. I am not going to set goals with hard numbers, that's not the point.
 Instead I am going to set this goal, and you will just have to take my word for it, if it comes up again. I am going to work out in some manner or form at least 4 days a week, even if it's only 20 minutes, and I am going to record any progress. My goal, if there is one, will be to get myself in better shape and increase my wind capacity and strength so I can last longer and go further, and feel better on incidents. My stretch goal is being able to do the 5k run at FDIC next year, if I can figure out a way to get there (to Indy, that is). 5k may not seem like much, but for me, it's something new.
 I have let myself go to pot, and the age thing is taking over. I plan to drop a few pounds (10 would be good) and add on some muscle, and keep it that way. I'm also hoping that the B/P will come back down and I can drop the Simvastatin. The cholesterol should also follow suit.
 I got in my first workout a few minutes ago and my hamstrings are tighter than the G-string on a 5 string banjo. I can barely walk upstairs. My biceps and gut feel about as bad. I have a long way to go, but at least I am off my ass and on my way. In an odd way, the pain feels kind of good.
 Some of you should think about doing the same.
 I also spent the day taking a hard look at myself in other ways. Beginning Tuesday you will learn a little bit more about me and my issues if you have an interest. I am going to ask your help in figuring out what to do with my life going forward. Think of it as another weird Blog contest, but with no prizes.  It could be an interesting experiment, or not.
UU

Worth Repeating

Honest to goodness, I don't know where Bobby Halton comes up with these ideas, but you should really check out his speech today (Thursday 3/24/11) at the FDIC. It's a piece I hope to show to my Department, and more importantly, to all my fellow Officers. It puts things in perspective on a level they should all be able to apply. This is a fine speech:

 I spent the last year or so being mad at Bobby and Fire Engineering about the way that they handled Ray McCormack's speech and it's withdrawal from the ether world. That is until a fellow blogger set me straight on what was really going on (Thanks Matt) and I get it now. But through it all I have always admired Bobby's public speaking abilities and in particular his subjects, his facts, and his presentations. Amazing stuff. I can't imagine where he comes up with these things. I wish he'd give a video class on how he develops these speeches.
 You should give it a watch, maybe two. If your are an instructor, THINK about the way this gentleman grasps his audience. Good stuff.
UU

A Red Cap.... Finally

Many Departments chose their helmet colors with care, or at least with a purpose. There's White, Black, Red, Yellow, Orange, Blue, and I am sure a few more colors. In each Department, those colors have meaning. I have never seen a Department that doesn't use White for Chief Officers, but after that, it varies widely. In our county some Departments use Red for Firefighters and Black for their Line Officers, in others it is just the reverse.  Blue is frequently for someone who is either EMS or EMS and Fire. Yellow is sometimes Firefighters, but in some Departments it is for Probies. Sometimes Orange is for Probies or Juniors, sometimes it is Fire Police.
 Whatever the color chart is, every Firefighter and Officer knows what it is and has it ingrained in their brain. Many times that make decisions or speak to people based on the color of the helmet, especially when the heat is on. You learn the colors of the mutual aid companies and treat them accordingly. All with respect of course, but within their particular designation.
 When you are working mutual aid, you use that helmet color to tell you what level of responder you are talking to. To be honest, it's the only time I wish I had the correct Helmet color because I don't always get the consideration I deserve from Chiefs that don't know me too well. On the other hand, as my own Chief said the other night, "If I get a guy that shows up on MY scene and he doesn't know who UU is, then I don't really need him, and I am not sending him in on one of my crews, because I know he doesn't get out and take much training."
 In my Department, it is White for Chiefs, Red for Line Officers, Blue for EMS, and Yellow for probies and Juniors. We also have Green for the Department Safety Officer, but that hasn't been used in a few years.
 I have served as an Officer for about 5 years now. Each year, when elections are over and the new young guys get elected to their first office I watch as the Chief scurries around to make sure they get their Red helmets, whether new or passed down, he wants to make them feel like an Officer. I get that and I think it's the right thing to do.
 I've never had a Red hat. For whatever reason, it doesn't seem to be a priority for the Chief, and I have never asked why. The guys and gals all respect me and know who, and what I am so it never really mattered to me. I liked my Black hat, it fit well and had my light on it. I think the Chief assumed that I liked it the way it was.
 The other night we were looking at a pile of old gear and there was a Red Hat in the pile that had seen a lot of work. The Chief picked it up, twisted it around, and said "You know, this is Captain Georges old helmet, it has seen a lot of fire, but it's still good. We could put this on a truck as a spare. It is kind of raunchy though."  I looked at him and said "Chief, I've been holding an Officer's position for 5 years now, do you think I might like a Red Hat? I think I can clean that up a bit and put my head basket in it." He handed it over with a smile, "You're Overdue".
 So I took the thing home and cleaned it up. It looks nearly new, OK not too old. I swapped out head baskets, face shields, and hung my light and shield on it. It'll work.
 I've never been a big one for 'the trappings of the Office', but sometimes people need to know who (or what) you are.
UU

More Old Business

 One of the posts, or rather series of posts, that have gleaned the most readership on this blog is the group of posts regarding my experiences on my paying job with respect to setting up a proper response system for my co-workers in the event of an injury or medical issue. I summarized it with this follow-up last month.
 Now the only reason I bring this up is because these posts continue to get hits, so I figure there is still some kind of interest. For those that may be following this saga, I thought you might be interested in the next installment:
 A couple of days ago we had a "CODE 88" in the plant. CODE 88 is the catchy term the ESHW came up with for an announcement to alert the First Responder Team to an emergency somewhere in the plant. They get on the paging system and announce "ATTENTION, THERE IS A CODE 88 IN THE WINGNUT DEPARTMENT, I REPEAT, THERE IS A CODE 88 IN THE WINGNUT DEPARTMENT."  (No, we don't have a wingnut department.) This should bring the whole team with the equipment (Trauma Bag and an AED or two). I had conducted drills just the day before this incident for both the day and night shift. We set up a scenario of some sort of accident and let them work through it. It is useful and keeps them thinking. These are laymen, and trained in First Aid, CPR, and AED. Their job is to cover the first 5 minutes of the job, get the notification out, and direct the responding unit(s) in to the proper location in our large plant. They actually do a pretty darn good job, even though they lack confidence in their skills, I am impressed with the quality job they do. I trained them as best as I was allowed with the thought that if I go down, they are taking care of me, and unlike anybody else in the plant, there will be no EMT responding from inside the building to help me out. I am the only one with current rescue experience and training.
 So, if you recall, the powers that be had me remove all my 'advanced BLS equipment' from the building such as OPA's, NPA's, BVM, Blood Pressure Cuff, Stethoscope, oral glucose, etc. Whereas I did comply and removed all that stuff "which I might cause harm with" from the trauma bag a I keep in my office (my stuff), I did a little foot-dragging on taking it out of the company trauma bag. I just kept 'forgetting' to get it done. My memory is not what it used to be, it seems.
 So we get this CODE 88 called and I can hear the fear in the person's voice that made the page (it wasn't excitement, it was definitely fear). I lefte my office and start walking toward the area. I see lots of folks running and nearly got sucked up and started running myself. Nearly. So I get there and find a co-worker in severe chest pain and distress, sudden onset, 10/10 pain, she can't even lift her head to look at me. Nobody on my time can think of anything to do in the way of treatment. They have all jumped on the physical tasks quickly. They made the 911 call and gave good info to the dispatcher, they have sent folks to guide the Fire and EMS folks in, and they have cleared some working room, but treatment, nada.
 That's because there was nothing they could do in that vein within their training. They all looked at me, as usual. I got down on one knee and started talking with my patient, I went through the pain stuff (severity, quality, radiation, onset, etc.), got her medical history, meds, pulse, respirations, and anything else I could think of. Now we are waiting. I am not getting a good idea of what is going on and I don't like not having a B/P or knowing her O2 sats. I now there is a B/P kit in the bag next to my foot so I pull it out and do the deed, which I was told I was not allowed to do. I get 130/68. OK, I am relaxing a little. Fire (BLS) shows up, I go through the information I have and offer the written copy I have to the EMT, he completely ignores me. He doesn't listen to anything I offer, just shoulders me out of the way. "OK, asshole", I think, "I'll just have to work around you" so I reach behind him and grab the airway bag, set up the O2, put a mask on and fill the reservoir, and set it on 15 LPM (12 wasn't an option on their cheap regulator) and hand it to the tech. He looks at me and says "You've done this before?" "Yeah" I said, "Former Lt. and Captain for several years at Podunk EMS, now Fire Lt. at the same Department, County EMT of the year in 2007, Nationally certified Fire Service Instructor Two, County Fire Instructor. Any other credentials you need to hear, or can I give you a turnover report now?" He apologized and changed his tune. The medic came in, another one with an attitude who only brought half the equipment she should have. (Who does an industrial plant call for a cardiac issue and leaves their stretcher in the rig, 500 feet away?!)
 So we finished the job and sent our patient off for definitive care. As I was cleaning up and packing the gear, the EHS Boss was standing there and saw me folding up the B/P cuff. I caught her eye. This was the cuff she had told me I needed to remove from the building. I rolled it up and put it in the bag. "You know", I said, "You might think you saw me doing a B/P, but the truth is I was just checking her circulation, it just LOOKED like I was taking a B/P. Besides, I REALLY needed to know in order to get a full picture." I waited for the lecture that I knew was coming and would include some political double-talk.
 She looked at me, looked at the cuff in my hands, then looked down the aisle where the stretcher had just disappeared around the corner. She then looked back at me and said "I'm sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about. By the way, nice job, we're lucky you were here."
 So, I am assuming that I am safe in going with my original plan: If the outcome is good, I can do whatever I see fit (within protocols, of course), but if the outcome is bad, I am on my own. I can live with that, I just hope all my future patients can.
UU